Intro

I'm 20 years old and I have suffered with emetophobia since I was 6. For most people, it mainly occurs from an incident in which being sick was treated badly (for example, by the individual's parents) or in which an individual just found it so traumatic. For me, it was an ill timed episode of The Rugrats.

I'm unsure if anyone would remember this particular episode, but in a nutshell, Angelica tried on Chucky's glasses and they made her feel woozy, which caused her to throw up, and this was shown from her father's point of view as she carried out the act on him. To this day I still have no idea why this, especially a cartoon, a children's cartoon affected me so much, but it's the earliest memory I have that can explain my emetophobia. Part of me thinks it's related to the fact that I was ill at the time with tonsilitis, but there were never any incidents where I was sick and it caused embarassment or it was ill recieved by my mum taking care of me.

I didn't realise emetophobia had a name until I was 13, when I was so fed up of suffering that I decided to do some research. I was pleased to discover that I wasn't alone and that this phobia is actually quite a common one. Now, before any non emets reading this think "well, no one likes being sick" - I suggest you stop right there and consider a phobia that you might have - how you feel when you come into contact with whatever the feared object is, how it affects you personally etc. If that still doesn't work, I suggest you continue reading so you know how it really does feel for someone with emetophobia when they're ill themselves, or in the company of someone who's ill compared with someone who doesn't suffer from it.

As a child I suffered from various stomach issues and endured countless blood tests and hospital visits so they could determine what was wrong. After they basically gave up, my stomach issues went on a sort of hiatus for a few years, while my emetophobia remained fully alert. It wasn't until I was 18, when I was finally diagnosed with IBS. Something that goes hand in hand with emetophobia, but not in a good way.

Before going to uni I sat through a few months of high intensity CBT where I began to work my way up an anxiety hierarchy where I did things I don't care to remember including having my own personal piece of parmesan cheese to smell throughout the day and eating vegetable soup out of a cardboard sick bowl. Yes, I'm serious. Unfortunately, due to a combination of both a highly unorganised mental health team and me having to leave home for university, I never got to continue, let alone finish my CBT.

At the moment, both my IBS and anxiety have worsened. Particularly if doing something outside my routine. And even though I'd consider going to work as part of my routine, every day I endure horrific nausea and other unpleasant symptoms which I have no idea why they keep on coming. On a conscious level, I know nothing bad is going to happen, but there's always a small part in my mind thinking something just might.

There are several reasons stopping me from starting up the CBT again. The first being that my doctor's surgery told me to seek out my university counselling service because according to them, it's more convinient. However I've been told by several people at uni that their service is less than perfect due to the limited amount of sessions. Not only that, but I'm about to enter my third year with my dissertation, and I intend to do well and really work hard. I've also taken on more hours at work so my boyfriend and I are able to save up enough money for a place after uni. I really don't think I'll have the time for counselling, as awful as that sounds. Part of me wanted to work on the IBS before the emetophobia and my intention was to demand a referral from my GP to a specialist, but given waiting times in our dearly beloved NHS, I think by the time something actually gets done, I'll be having to move back home.

The reason for this blog is basically this: I need a project. I need to get out how this shitty phobia makes me feel and how much I've had enough of it. I will get help at some point, but right now, it's really not the right time. And I know that if I refuse to get help it's basically my own fault and I have no right to moan, but for now, I hope this gives me something to focus on. Another reason is that I'm studying psychology and counselling at uni, and my dissertation is actually on emetophobia, and as I'm doing a qualitative study looking at experience, I want to make sure that I'm fully in touch with how my phobia affects me.

Oh, and from now on, out of respect for other sufferers of emetophobia that may read this the word 'vomit' will be referred to as just v*, as I know some sufferers have issues with seeing the word. And at no point will there be pictures or anything like that.