Emetophobia got me a degree!

As some of you may know, I wrote my undergraduate dissertation on emetophobia. As something I've had since the age of 5 years old I wanted to write my dissertation on something I was passionate about and while most people hate their dissertation with a passion, I thoroughly enjoyed writing mine. I enjoyed reading things written by people who understood it, I enjoyed reading the research and I enjoyed reading the experiences of other sufferers.

I would like to take the opportunity to thank all of the amazing people from the International Emetophobia Society for taking an interest in my study and for taking part. Without you, it would have not been possible, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am also pleased to tell you that I achieved a B+ for this project, which has meant that I have graduated with a B.Sc. in Psychology and Counselling with a 2:1. Once again, thank you for your support <3

Handwashing: It's not hard

Something I've begun to pick up on is that emetophobia brings out the worst in me. On IES recently, in particular with us recently getting over norovirus season, there have been a lot of posts about how we need to consider what we're saying - it's not anyone else's problem, we're the ones who don't like vomit, we shouldn't be so nasty towards people who bring their illnesses out in public, and those who put vomit in movies/TV don't do it as a personal attack on emets. All of which is true, although for me, trying to keep these thoughts at bay is easier said than done. I find that when I'm scared, I become very nasty and I honestly think that's a way of coping - if I get angry, I can't break down in fear, if I go off on one about how people are dirty and disgusting, it makes me feel that little bit better. And I understand that's not healthy, but when I'm scared, I'll do anything to make that go away.

For example, I have a hatred - and I'm talking 100% pure irrational, nasty hatred for people who don't wash their hands after going to the toilet. I know that it's not a personal attack on me, I know people don't do it out of spite to piss me off or try and make me ill, but I'm ashamed to say it winds me up to the point where I look down on people for it and become a truly nasty person. I know some people are lazy, some don't understand basic hygiene, and others are just forgetful, but if I know of someone who doesn't wash their hands after using the toilet, my mind immediately goes to the assumption that they're a bad person.

But seriously, why is it so hard? I am hard wired to do it every time I go to the toilet, that's just what you do, that's what you're taught to do. Excuses like "I don't always have time" are bullshit - a good, proper handwashing takes 30 seconds. That's it. If you're saying you don't have an extra 30 seconds spare when you use the bathroom then you must have a pretty hectic life. Just sit and spare the thought that if you don't wash your hands then you have the chance of making someone ill. And that someone may suffer from the horrible condition that is emetophobia, a phobia where a lot of people given the choice would rather die than v*. If only people thought of that.

Again I guess this is going back to the point that we can't expect everyone to cater to our phobia. If people catered to every phobia then no one would do anything. And while we can't expect people to be sensitive about our issues, we should and do expect some decent personal hygiene.

I shall offer a little scenario that's happening right this minute - we're getting a new boiler today after 2 weeks without heating or hot water (that's another rant for another day), and the plumber used the toilet earlier, and he clearly did not wash his hands. How do I know? I live in a flat, the bathroom is directly opposite the living room - bad news that if you're in the living room you can hear the whole 'performance' of whoever's in there. In the time between the flushing of the toilet and the opening of the door there was absolutely no way he could have washed his hands, full stop. Now, while I should be grateful that he's out here, fixing our heating on a Saturday, all I can think of is the joy I will get when he leaves and how I can Dettol the shit out of every single door handle in this place, all the radiators, and just in case, everything in the room where he's putting the new boiler. I have to throw away the bottle of face scrub in there that he clearly moved out of the way and I have to bleach the decorative items I have in there, because all I can see is a sort of green coating over them - like in that episode of Scrubs (S5 - My Cabbage) that I must disinfect the hell out of. I even made my other half make him tea in the cups the landlord left for us which we never use just in case.

I know this is not healthy, but this is my mind right now. Truth be told since this norovirus season apparently being the worst for a number of years, my phobia has worsened so much. If I drop something on the floor, before I would simply wash it and put it back. Now, if I drop something, I throw it away in case washing it didn't kill the germs. I'm fully aware I need some help because I fear it will turn into full blown OCD if I let it keep taking hold like this. I'm at the point where I don't like 'unusual' people coming into my home because I don't know where their hands have been. My mum is fine, my friends are fine -  they know what I'm like - but anyone else - I'd attack them with bleach and boiling water if it wouldn't be classed as assault.

I'm starting to think of having a sign in my hallway - "Wash your hands, an emetophobe lives here." I guess there isn't really a point to this entry today, just some things I wanted to get off my chest. I hope I don't come across as nasty, that was not my intention! All I have left to say is this: If you're reading this and you're one of THEM, wash your hands. Properly.

SHUT UP ABOUT NOROVIRUS

It's that time of the year again. The time when the press runs out of things to report and just rams down our throats that norovirus is on the rise and that at least 3/4 of us will catch it. While this is true in that the news rarely get their facts right and they do only report it when they've nothing else to talk about, the irrational part of my mind is tearing me up by saying "if it's newsworthy, it MUST be bad" - that was my logic before, as long as it's not in the news, it's fine. This week it was "as long as it doesn't hit BBC news, it's fine." And lo and behold, today it hit BBC news.

So, my aim for this blog is to hopefully get everything out regarding norovirus, and then I'm going to hopefully shut up. The press won't do the same, obviously, but I'm hoping this will help me calm down if nothing else, as my family and BF are getting very pissed off with my constant panic. Please note, some of the things I say may frighten fellow emets, but that is absolutely not my intention. I apologise if I upset or scare anyone from this post, I really don't mean to upset anyone.

I feel I can't escape it, I really REALLY can't. I've learned a few things about it and while they've helped ease my anxiety in one sense, they've also made me crap myself even more. The good things about norovirus (if you can call them that) that I've learned are:

- You can't catch it from being near someone with it, the only way you can is if they v* in front of you or you somehow inhale particles of it. Eugh.
- You can't catch it just by walking past a pool of v* on the street
- You can't catch it by kissing someone who has it but isn't showing symptoms (unfortunately this is not the same if they HAVE been showing symptoms)
- It's NOT airbourne, despite what the news say. You can only catch it from the air if someone v*s in front of you.

Unfortunately:
- Many hand sanitisers don't kill norovirus. "Antibacterial" hand gels may not be effective in killing it as it's a virus. There is a certain ingredient that is apparently effective against norovirus: benzalkonium chloride and benzethonium chloride.
- Norovirus is mainly spread via surfaces. In my experience, there are only so many times you can wash your hands after touching something.
- Washing your hands is the best way to get rid of the bug - it doesn't kill it, but washes it down the drain. HOWEVER, to me and you, washing your hands is quick, easy and something you always do, but for some dirty bastards, this is not the case.

And this is where I get pissed off. Before things kick off, it's not the people who go into work sick or send their kids to school when they're sick that I'm having a go at, it's the filthy members of the general public that don't wash their hands after going to the toilet that I'm having a go at.

So, we all know norovirus is spread through poor hygiene, i.e. people not washing their hands after using the toilet when suffering from the bug. My first problem with this is: who doesn't wash their hands after going to the toilet? It was the first thing I was taught when I was potty trained and I even feel filthy if I don't use soap if I wash my hands in a public toilet. Secondly: we all know aside from v*ing with norovirus, you get v*ing's BFF with it, d*. Who the hell doesn't wash their hands after having D*?! If this is you, you are a disgusting human being.

I feel like I can't escape it, given that its always on surfaces. It makes me angry that a sure-fire way of stopping norovirus from spreading is by washing your hands properly, and it can stop so many people coming down with this horrible illness - yes, there are so many more illnesses that are worse than having an upset tummy for a few days, but to an emetophobia sufferer, there is nothing worse than suffering from norovirus or any kind of gastric illness - but PEOPLE STILL DON'T DO IT! It's disgusting.

It's so hard to make people do things, particularly with hand washing. Some people I've spoken to have said do on the spot fines for people who don't do it, particularly in schools and hospitals, but it's so difficult, if impossible to police that kind of thing, as much as I think it's a good idea. Hell, I'd go round spraying neat bleach in peoples' faces if I could. Not everyone, just the dirty ones.  An idea I had was for hospitals particularly. On entrances to wards there's usually hand sanitiser, I think somehow it should be linked to the doors, and they will only open (automatically) if you use the hand gel provided. Honestly, how much time does it add onto your trip to visiting a relative or attending an outpatient appointment? It takes 10 seconds if that to pump out some of the stuff and rub it in. Just like it takes less than a minute to properly wash your hands. But still, people are lazy shits and refuse to do it.

It does annoy me to an extent that people go into work and send their kids to school when they're not very well. But, I understand it. I understand that a lot of people have that 'just get on with it' attitude and can't afford to have a day off work and that they can't always afford to stay home and take care of their kids, so it's easier to send them to school, and that a lot of the time kids have tummy aches and what not, and in most cases it's nothing. In most of these cases, especially the people who go to work do (as far as I'm aware from experience with my colleagues who've suffered it) wash their hands regularly and use the hand sanitisers. As kids are more vulnerable and younger ones especially don't always understand the importance of hygiene it becomes more difficult and it's unfair on the child who has the symptoms (no one likes v*ing, but it's even worse if you're in a public place) and unfair on the other children. It creates a cycle in a sense, more kids get it, a number of parents do keep their kids at home if they can, others send them to school, ergo it spreads again and so on. Again, I'm not having a go, all I'm saying is, try and think of others. Especially considering norovirus can be dangerous to young children in terms of dehydration.

Around this time of year, us emets are always on edge. Although now I know most hand gels don't work, I'm even more of a mess than usual. And being away from home at Christmas, visiting relatives and my mum working with children until Friday, and the fact a few Christmasses ago I suffered norovirus myself which resulted in me eating nothing but ginger biscuits and mints for 2 weeks and going through bouts of compulsive handwashing several times a day - really do not help matters. I have been given anti-emetics from the doctor recently, however I'm unsure as to whether its a good idea to take them if I'm suffering from norovirus. The pharmacist advised that it's best to get the bug out in whatever way your body chooses, and let it happen at least once or twice, but if I really can't handle it, then it should be fine. However, I'm still unsure of this, so maybe a call to NHS direct is in order if I do get sick. Rest assured, I will not be leaving the house until 48 hours after my symptoms have gone and I will be washing my hands all the fricking time if I'm horribly unlucky enough to catch this god-awful bug.

I've been reading about how grape-seed extract is good for prevention of the bug in that it destroys the coating of it, thus deactiviating it. I've also heard grape juice is good too, but only as a preventative measure, and it has to be 100% grape juice, no 'cocktail' or low calorie options. While I brought a over-night sized bag full of my "emet survival kit" - rescue remedy, peppermint oil, Colpermin, Immodium,  Buscopan, Mebeverine, vitamin C and zinc, mints, and my most recent addition: Metaclopramide tablets, I have not equipped it with grapeseed extract or grape juice. While I've heard grapeseed extract in high doses may cause nausea, I'm more than tempted to make a trip to Asda to buy me a carton of Welch's.

Wishing all my emet friends a healthy and noro-free Christmas. And to all those idiots that would rather get to where your going quicker or not miss any of that crappy TV show you're watching than spend an extra minute washing your hands: don't be a dickhead. WASH YOUR GODDAMN HANDS.

I've had a LOT of counselling over the years. In total I've had 5 counsellors in the last 8 or so years and all have provided me with different treatment methods. School was just plain counselling, doctors surgery was CBT followed by higher intensity CBT, and now I'm at uni, where I'm currently undergoing EMDR.

Today I did something I've never ever done in session, which actually, in counselling people often do quite a bit. I cried. And I feel so embarassed about it, but everything that's piled on me today just all came out in that one session.

Today was my 5th session of EMDR. I would have liked to have done regular updates from the start, however my free time has been spent sleeping and doing assignments. For those who don't know what it is, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprogramming and works on the assumption that we experience problems through memories that haven't been processes properly. It's a common form of treatment for sufferers of post traumatic stress disorder, and involves thinking about a traumatic event/memory that you've experienced while doing a dual attention task. Some therapists use hand movements in front of the eyes, or tapping one hand after the other. Mine on the other hand involves holding two little...thingies in each hand that vibrate alternately. The idea behind it is it helps you process the memory properly so that while the memory is still there, it's no longer painful or traumatic.

I was initially reluctant, mainly because memories to me, they're just that. Memories. They don't affect me. Or so I thought. I've so far worked on 3 seperate 'targets' where I've concentrated on sensory elements depending on what it was. The first was the Rugrats episode I believe initially triggered my phobia, second was my experience of suffering from norovirus, and third was a time when my mum v*ed everywhere when I was 8 years old.

From doing these tasks, I've learned that there are unprocessed bits of these memories. I won't go into detail, but there's everything: anger, disgust, shock. Last week was a shocking one in that I realised literally then and there a thought that I'd repressed since the age of 8. We also toyed with the idea that perhaps I'm getting better, given the fact that I had a good week last week. I'd had no stomach complaints (partly because I'd upped my mebeverine dosage to 2 tablets a day, but also because I was 'acknowledging' my stomach) and I'd had no anxiety or anything to trigger it.

However, an event on Tuesday night with an unnecessary scene in Fresh Meat where Oregon v*ed over the table (here's the kicker - I didn't even SEE the v*, I knew it was coming so I did my good old pillow-and-mute, but when I found out she was sick, that was it) proved that I am not getting better. I've also had issues this week with a bug going round work, so I've become hypervigelent to every tiny little niggle in my stomach.

Anyway, we established there's definitely some issues around disgust that are the main problem. And on probing deeper there's also some anger there at selfish dickhead TV writers who think they can get a laugh out of v* jokes. While doing my typical processing exercise I tried to think through the logical sides: yes, it's disgusting but it's not real, it's probably just soup or something. Some writers put it in for realism. Sometimes it IS relevant. But my arguement is still this: you wouldn't see someone physically defeacating with complete visuals of "it" on television, so why should you have to see someone v* with visuals on TV?

She then asked me this question: "on a scale of 1-7 (7 being most disturbed) how disturbed do you feel about saying you no longer have a v* phobia?" I answered 6. She then asked me what my answer would have been in the first session. I said 1. I didn't quite understand this properly, I thought she meant in a sense of how I'd like to be - I answered 6 because of everything that's happened over the last few weeks, I am disturbed at saying that I don't have a v* phobia, when clearly I do. I said 1 for the first session because I would have thought (this is hard to put in words) this meant 'how disturbed would I LIKE to be saying I don't have a v* phobia. I don't know. I'm still confused now. She took this to mean that I was saying my phobia is worse than what it was at the first session. Personally, I don't think its any better, but I don't think it's gotten worse. Anyway, confusion and frustration got the better of me and I just burst into tears.

Then she said something that I personally think I've known for a while deep down, and that maybe I haven't wanted to acknowledge. And it was this: perhaps I don't want to let go of my v* phobia.
She said that because I'm doing my dissertation on emetophobia (an idea that came about before I started these sessions I'd like to add) maybe I don't want to let go of it because I'm worried if I do, I won't be able to do it any justice. I again see her point, though I would love to write my final report and say "this research is close to my heart because I am a recovered emetophobia sufferer and I wanted to relate to how these other people were suffering."

The common sense assumption to this whole idea would be: of course I want to let it go, I want it gone and I want it gone now. This is where it hit meet really hard at a much deeper level: this is me. Emetophobia is my identity. I've suffered with emetophobia since I was 7 years old. That's 13 years. I've lived for so long with emetophobia I don't quite know how to live without it. While I would LOVE to be someone who can hold their friends hair back when they're drunk (okay, maybe not to THAT extent, but you get the idea), or who can look after their other half when they're sick without worrying that they'll catch it, or simply someone who can say 'I feel sick' and not send myself into a frenzy regardless of whether I v* or not. If I ask myself 'who am I?' my immediate response is 'I'm a sufferer of emetophobia' - perhaps on an unconscious level I don't want to let go of it because I'm scared I'll loose my identity.  As cheesy as this sounds, my head is saying "no, that's bullshit!" but my heart is saying "You know she's right, you just don't want to admit it."

I really don't know. I'm so confused right now. I still feel a lump in my throat writing this post. I don't know what to bring to the next session. Truth be told, I'm thinking of leaving it and going to the doctors and begging for some anti-anxiety medication. I know that won't solve a thing though. The furstrating thing is, because the anxiety, the IBS and the emetophobia are all linked, it's difficult to know what's feeding what. I still don't know if the stomach complaints are actually a physical medical condition rather than a psychological one. In a sense, yes they are, I have IBS, but I can't help wondering if there's more to it. Unless this is the denial seeping in again and just the general reluctance to continue. I feel like I made such a tit of myself today even though crying in a session is completely normal. I'm just so confused and fed up. Whatever happens, I'll try and keep this updated.

Warning: While I have done my best to not speak in graphic terms some of this post may make a few of you anxious as I refer to norovirus and stomach bugs being spread. It's not my intent to upset or distress anyone, just my take on the situation (and mainly so I could get things off my chest as this particular situation is getting to me at the moment) in the hope that other emets relate to it. 

So it's official, winter is among us. I must first of all apologise that I haven't been updating this blog as regularly as I like, but work and uni are pretty much taking over and any free time I do have is spent doing reading or housework. But, hey ho.

While winter has so many awesome parts, snuggling up with a cup of tea and a blanket, bringing out the big comfy winter PJs, Christmas etc etc etc, there is the one less cheery aspect that sends me scraping my nails down the wall and that thing is: norovirus.

Not just norovirus, all related stomach bugs.

As an emet, a stomach bug is one of the worst things you can come across. And it's no surprise that I have a huge hatred for those who don't take the simple easy concept of HYGIENE properly. Not just in winter, all the time. How hard is it to wash your hands after using the toilet? It takes less than a minute and you're potentially giving an emet one of the greatest gifts of all: a chance to not catch a v*ing virus. But no, some people still give us emets a gift, one which we'd more than leap at the chance to give back to you, and that is, yep, you guessed it, a stomach bug.

Given the fact we now have products that take even less time to use than traditional soap and water methods, there is really no excuse to not keep up good hand hygiene. And it's not just hand hygiene, it's a matter of being considerate to others when you're sick. Not just with tummy bugs, with colds too. Catch your sneezes in a tissue, throw it away, then wash your hands. Don't sneeze on your hands and rub it onto your jeans. If I see anyone do that I just want to slap and shake them - but I'd have to wear gloves and a biohazard mask before I do that.

And why does everyone suddenly have to become a hero and go to work when they're ill?! Fair enough, a cold - not flu - is likely to get people gossiping and slating you if you take a sick day because of it. But, if you're considerate to others by keeping up good hand hygiene, catching your germs in tissues and keeping away from people, you're not likely to spread it around as much. While a few people may catch it, I think a vast majority of emets would agree with me that a cold is much better than a stomach bug. Personally, I'd rather be led in bed for 2 weeks with the flu than have a stomach bug for 24 hours.

People coming to work the morning after they've had an upset stomach is a bug bear of mine, however the thing that gets me raving is the following people: those who come to work, still showing v*ing, and it's other half, d*.

For one thing, it can't be very nice for you to be at work having to constantly run to the toilet, while also feeling like crap. Personally, if it were me, I'd be petrified about having an accident. That for me is grounds on it's own to not go in. Secondly, it's not fair to your colleauges, particularly if you're in an environment with shared computers, phones etc. Third, if you work with customers or patients, depending on what kind of contact you have with them, you're potentially infecting every single person you come into contact with.

Yes, I completely understand that not everyone can afford a sick day, but jesus, if you caught a sick bug from someone surely you'd be saying "I caught this from [insert name here], they should have been at home instead of bringing this in with them!"

The sucky part is, as an emet you can only do so much. I for one use hand gel like mad and when there's quiet periods at work I clean the phones and keyboards with antibacterial wipes, however when it gets busy, it's impossible to keep track of who has used what and to clean after each individual person has touched it. I mean, I could try, but I'd most likely get the sack. Or at least a written warning.

For me, another thing is the not knowing. If someone comes in saying "I was poorly last night" - my immediate thought is stomach bug, although there's only so much you can ask without sounding like a weirdo: "did you v*?" "how long since you lasted v*ed?" "have you done it today?" "do you still feel sick?" "have you been sick here?" Even when talking to someone who knows I have emet, the common response is "why do you want to know so much? I thought you don't like people being sick?"

Yes that's right. But in a sense I'm looking for reassurance, i.e. "no, it wasn't a stomach bug, I think it was something I ate" or "no, I just have a cold that's been keeping me up." However, it could go the other way: "it's definitely a bug I caught it from [name], I'm still being sick but I can't afford to miss work" - GO HOME! DON'T BE A HERO. I'm personally not sure if the not knowing is good or bad. Bad in the sense that if you do know the ins and outs, you're going to become oversensitive to every little physical symptom you have, which will make you anxious, which will make those symptoms worse, and so on. But good in the sense that you definitely know what's wrong, and the not-knowing anxiety will be gone (albeit replaced with the above mentioned anxiety).

So my advice from this post is: stay at home if you're unwell. Particularly if it's a stomach bug. Emetophobia is the 7th common phobia in the UK. Chances are you know or work with someone who suffers. So for their sake: wash your hands and keep your germs at home.

Intro

I'm 20 years old and I have suffered with emetophobia since I was 6. For most people, it mainly occurs from an incident in which being sick was treated badly (for example, by the individual's parents) or in which an individual just found it so traumatic. For me, it was an ill timed episode of The Rugrats.

I'm unsure if anyone would remember this particular episode, but in a nutshell, Angelica tried on Chucky's glasses and they made her feel woozy, which caused her to throw up, and this was shown from her father's point of view as she carried out the act on him. To this day I still have no idea why this, especially a cartoon, a children's cartoon affected me so much, but it's the earliest memory I have that can explain my emetophobia. Part of me thinks it's related to the fact that I was ill at the time with tonsilitis, but there were never any incidents where I was sick and it caused embarassment or it was ill recieved by my mum taking care of me.

I didn't realise emetophobia had a name until I was 13, when I was so fed up of suffering that I decided to do some research. I was pleased to discover that I wasn't alone and that this phobia is actually quite a common one. Now, before any non emets reading this think "well, no one likes being sick" - I suggest you stop right there and consider a phobia that you might have - how you feel when you come into contact with whatever the feared object is, how it affects you personally etc. If that still doesn't work, I suggest you continue reading so you know how it really does feel for someone with emetophobia when they're ill themselves, or in the company of someone who's ill compared with someone who doesn't suffer from it.

As a child I suffered from various stomach issues and endured countless blood tests and hospital visits so they could determine what was wrong. After they basically gave up, my stomach issues went on a sort of hiatus for a few years, while my emetophobia remained fully alert. It wasn't until I was 18, when I was finally diagnosed with IBS. Something that goes hand in hand with emetophobia, but not in a good way.

Before going to uni I sat through a few months of high intensity CBT where I began to work my way up an anxiety hierarchy where I did things I don't care to remember including having my own personal piece of parmesan cheese to smell throughout the day and eating vegetable soup out of a cardboard sick bowl. Yes, I'm serious. Unfortunately, due to a combination of both a highly unorganised mental health team and me having to leave home for university, I never got to continue, let alone finish my CBT.

At the moment, both my IBS and anxiety have worsened. Particularly if doing something outside my routine. And even though I'd consider going to work as part of my routine, every day I endure horrific nausea and other unpleasant symptoms which I have no idea why they keep on coming. On a conscious level, I know nothing bad is going to happen, but there's always a small part in my mind thinking something just might.

There are several reasons stopping me from starting up the CBT again. The first being that my doctor's surgery told me to seek out my university counselling service because according to them, it's more convinient. However I've been told by several people at uni that their service is less than perfect due to the limited amount of sessions. Not only that, but I'm about to enter my third year with my dissertation, and I intend to do well and really work hard. I've also taken on more hours at work so my boyfriend and I are able to save up enough money for a place after uni. I really don't think I'll have the time for counselling, as awful as that sounds. Part of me wanted to work on the IBS before the emetophobia and my intention was to demand a referral from my GP to a specialist, but given waiting times in our dearly beloved NHS, I think by the time something actually gets done, I'll be having to move back home.

The reason for this blog is basically this: I need a project. I need to get out how this shitty phobia makes me feel and how much I've had enough of it. I will get help at some point, but right now, it's really not the right time. And I know that if I refuse to get help it's basically my own fault and I have no right to moan, but for now, I hope this gives me something to focus on. Another reason is that I'm studying psychology and counselling at uni, and my dissertation is actually on emetophobia, and as I'm doing a qualitative study looking at experience, I want to make sure that I'm fully in touch with how my phobia affects me.

Oh, and from now on, out of respect for other sufferers of emetophobia that may read this the word 'vomit' will be referred to as just v*, as I know some sufferers have issues with seeing the word. And at no point will there be pictures or anything like that.